I am from the Midwest, and now live in New York. In the Midwest, one is generally very polite. Very nice. To not be nice is like, the worst thing one could do. But what does “nice” mean? Usually it means avoiding discomfort. It means smiling at all costs. It means apologizing a lot. For example: if you are walking down the sidewalk, and somebody cuts you off out of nowhere, causing you to collide into them, you would apologize to them. If somebody bumps you, you apologize to them.
I began noticing this after I lived in New York for 15 years. Being “nice” and smiling at people for no reason had the opposite effect. New Yorkers grew uncomfortable and suspicious if I smiled at them to say hello. In fact, the more smiley and friendly I was, the more I seemed to get in trouble by those around me. The psychology behind that discovery is for another article, but it is through my thickening skin that I learned that I did not have to apologize anymore for things I didn’t do, or discomfortable words I had to speak. It didn’t matter - my making someone more comfortable at my own expense. it was liberating. Empowering even.
It was this year in 2022 when I stepped up to the plate to undertake a major personal change in my life, that I also challenged myself to stop apologizing. There were no rules as to how many times I could apologize. I apologized all of the time for any kind of reason. This needed to change. So I mainly cut out all apologies.
The No Apology, Not Sorry Challenge
The No Apology, Not Sorry Challenge started around the time when I began to say “sorry not sorry” in that snarky way. And then I wondered why I was wasting my breath even saying that. The more I made moves that prompted me to say “sorry not sorry,” I realized that those moves just needed to become a way of life for me.
In Midwestern fashion, I must give the disclaimer that to not be or say sorry does not mean you are going to say something meanly. Or be a mean person. It just means that you are doing what you are doing, or you are who you are, and you’re not sorry for it. If the other person is discomfortable, then that’s on them.
A female friend of mine who is an executive in the beauty industry knew I was writing this article. She sent me an example of a recent time she did not apologize, as she felt empowered and respected. She was voting in this last election, had gone with her husband. and was calmly taking her time.
The interaction went like this: ”My husband was done with his circles like 10 seconds before me, because you know I like to make sure I read everything thoroughly. But the volunteer dude at the booth was like: ‘You with her? Want to see if she needs help?’ And my husband was like ‘Nope, she’s her own person and I don’t have to tell her what to do.’ Then I walk over to post my ballot and he chuckled at me and asked: ‘Is this your first time voting? Need help?’ So audacious!”
Good gracious. This is why we need the No Apology, Not Sorry Challenge.
How To Start: Step 1: Walk In A Straight Line. Don’t Give Up The Sidewalk
The first step to accepting the No Apology, Not Sorry Challenge is to not yield to another person who is walking toward you on the sidewalk. If you are both walking from opposite directions, in the same path, then one of you will need to move. Usually, I was the one to move. I’ve been known to move around trees, or hop into the street. I’ll do this now to move around people as I speed passed them on the sidewalk (I’m a fast walker), but I’m less likely to do it for an oncoming person.
As a woman, this is especially satisfying when not apologizing or moving for a man on the sidewalk. If a woman is oncoming, I’ll still not move, unless she has a stroller or is walking with children. If it is a group of people - like a group of five friends or a couple of two people - I’ll not move again. I am one person on the sidewalk, they are multiple, and can fall back to take up less space for others.
More Examples Of When To Not Apologize
The thing is, the person you are apologizing to most likely was not expecting you to apologize at all. The person may simply be preparing something nice for you, and wants you in a happy place.
When on the No Apology, Not Sorry Challenge, you don’t tell the person that you are not sorry. You simply don’t say anything at all, and you proceed with what you are doing.
Examples include (these are examples for simply going forward in your day - not moments of snark).
“I am not sorry for saying no to you.”
You need to say “no” to people for various reasons. If saying “no” to someone causes a tiff between you, then consider your tone. Maybe you were too snappish. But. No need to apologize for that either. Just note it, and make an effort to say it differently next time. Remember, we don’t need to be so nice all of the time. Especially if you have said no five times already to this question.
Practice this in the grocery store when a sales person selling solar panels or a newspaper subscription tries to stop you in order to sell to you. They are chatty and won’t stop. Instead of ignoring them, simply say “no thank you” and keep walking. Don’t engage or respond in any second attempts.*
*Sorry sales-people! You are getting paid to do this, and that’s great, but we have to keep moving. Also, yes, everyone should subscribe to the newspaper, so do say “yes” to those people and no to everything else they sell you. Oh - I forgot - I’m not sorry!
“I’m not sorry about the price I gave you for this job or the product I sell.”
This usually comes after a potential client gets angry about a price you gave them. I have heard this from a number of service professionals, where current or potential new clients get mad, which makes pricing future jobs difficult. If a client gets mad, you just saved yourself a hassle, and they are not a fit for you. Continue to price as you need to.
“I’m not sorry for following up about when you are going to pay your invoice.”
Tin Shingle likes you to get paid up front so that you can avoid this uncomfortable moment.
“I am not sorry to step away from this family gathering at this annual holiday to do some work.”
You know when I’m really not sorry about this? When the men step out to do their work, and me as a woman steps out to do mine, and I get hand-slapped for not spending time with my young children when there is childcare all around and I just stated that I was going to step away from X amount of time to work.
As business owners, our boundaries are not clear. We have no bosses we hate. We are our own bosses, and we love ourselves. But we have employees to pay, answer to and respect. We have clients we need to be there for and respect. Our boundaries are difficult to enforce, and we are the only ones who can do it.
“I’m not sorry to call you out on something you just said. I will say it in a nice, matter of fact way. And you may be offended. But what you just said was totally offensive, and I am not sorry to point that out to you.”
You are not going to say all that part - you are just stating the calling-them-out part. Not in a mean way of course. But of course! Staying silent on these outlandish statements is too costly, and paves the way for future snuffing out.
“I’m not sorry to speak directly to you. In a voice that is not my happy voice”
This one comes from a place of motherhood, when we parents need to use our “mom-voices” to get something done by our children. A small child may ask in response to this tone: “Mommy, why are you speaking madly? Why are you mad?” And that is a good question. A good answer is: “I am not mad. I am speaking this way because it is the only way you hear me as I help you get ready to get out the door and into the car. I am not mad. I am simply moving forward.”
This only works if you are in fact not yelling. But are speaking firmly. Also, it is important to acknowledge the child, as they are expressing their feelings. The child may respond: “Ok, Mommy. Because I get scared when you yell.” And that is OK. We can work together to know if we are both causing the hold-up to getting out the door, and hold us both accountable to a successful departure.
“I am not sorry to not help you while I’m in the middle of typing a sentence.”
With smartphones, we are all on them all the time. Doing really important things, or doing silly things. If a person asks us to do something for them that is not an emergency, the boundary is there to say: “I will help you after I complete this sentence.”
Key to this, however, is to fulfill the promise, and not move onto another task. Do that, and you will have an angry child or partner because they can’t trust you.
“I am not sorry to not help you while I’m eating my meal.”
Finish your meal. Unless a small child needs to use the bathroom, of course. But once they get older, you need to train yourself to stay at the table for different requests.
“I am not sorry to speak to you in the tone in which you are speaking to me.”
This is a tough one, because if you are being challenged by someone, you may respond. If you are being asked the same question for a sixth time, and that person is shouting at you from across the yard, you might shout your response back. And they might start talking over you, to negate what you are saying. You should keep talking. And when you finish your response, which is usually when they stop talking over you, they may ask you to repeat yourself. At that point, you can simply state that you already answered them, and you can walk away from the non-conversation.
“I am not sorry to tell you I love you, or to tell you my feelings.”
Sometimes saying your feelings is hard or embarrassing. You may over-think how the other person is receiving your information. Just tell them how they make you feel. Even if they get uncomfortable about feeling mushy.
Good Examples Of When To Apologize
When you are wrong, you should apologize right away. Apologizing - really apologizing for something you did that caused hurt or discomfort to someone else - comes from a deep place inside of you. You need to feel that place for your apology to be real.
When a little person hurts themselves, no matter how small the bump: “I am sorry, are you alright?”
When a little person hurts themselves, apologize to them. Even if it is not your fault and you are not the cause of their pain, you say: “I am sorry, are you alright?” This acknowledges that they are in some sort of pain, and helps them feel taken care of. Usually this makes their tears go away quickly, or not come at all. The opposite approach to this is tough love, which sounds like this: “Get up. You’re alright.” This won’t go over well.
“I am so sorry we messed that up. We are going to fix it, and make it right.”
Usually between customer/client and business. There is the saying “the customer is always right,” and that may be, but one needs to tread lightly here. Apologizing to a customer or client for an actual mistake is necessary. Apologizing to them for their dissatisfaction is different, and must be handled lightly. This is true for restaurants who are attacked by customers looking to take out their aggression for the world on the service industry. And it is true for the B2B service industry who wants to make clients happy, but should not be molded in order to keep that satisfaction high.
“I am sorry I couldn’t help.”
When you want to help someone, but cannot. Either it doesn’t fit in your schedule, or you don’t have the power to do it.
In the No Apology, Not Sorry Challenge, just start small with the sidewalk move. Feel it out, and then carry that feeling into other areas where you don’t need to apologize, you simply need to own what you are doing. Helping others feel comfortable is important. But doing so at your own expense will dim your own self.
